And then there's people. People. The things they do.... I think that's what's really been on my mind this week. Things I don't understand. Something happened in our town this past summer. Things that I am not sure should have been revealed were revealed this month. Things were made open to the public. There are many, many people who have been hurt because of this. It shook foundations, made some people laugh, made others "cast their stones" crying, "hypocrite." It confuses me. It keeps me awake. It disturbs me. I don't know how to process it so that I can move on. I don't know that it is even worth dwelling on, but I don't feel that I can move past it until I process it. There's nowhere in my brain for it to go. That's what I am struggling with. I don't know if it is bad, evil, weird, laughable, sinful, accidental, intentional, curious.... I feel so strange thinking about it and I don't know WHY it is bothering me. Why do I want to understand it? Why do I want to know more? WHY? Why am I so disturbed by it? Who can help me make sense of this? No one comes to mind. And I keep having dreams. In them I loose everything and no one understands my pain. I'm not safe anywhere. Sam wakes me up and says I am crying out in my sleep.
I also realized that it is the 10th today. Things are OK and it is the 10th. But now that I know that it is the 10th, I'll be worried about the 11th, 12th, all the way up until the 16th. Yesterday I rode my horse. Like mad. Up hills, down hills, running, fast, almost falling sometimes. It was fun, but a very rough ride. Should I have done that? Am I going to be sad tomorrow? Later? I don't know if I can wait another 8 months...
I also don't know if I can stop riding. It is one of the only things that really cleanses my mind and takes me away from my worries. It's like, for a little bit, while I am on the back of my horse, my fingers woven into her long white mane, things blur past me. I'm in control but I'm not. For a moment, running so fast through the trails, we outrun all of my problems and worries. Nothing is as fast as we are.
But I always have to return to the real world.
When I finished cleaning her (Kahlo-the horse) up after our run through the woods, I put her out in the pasture and gave her a bulging handful of apple treats. I rubbed her face and told her goodnight. As I walked away, she did as well. I was staring up at the stars, walking to my car, and I turned back to look at her again. She too, had walked a ways, but was also looking back over her shoulder at me. "We had them all beat for a moment, didn't we?" I said softly. We both stood that way for another second, then went back to our corners of the world. It was a sweet moment. If you have a horse, perhaps you understand.
I've also been thinking about some of the blogging I have been meaning to do. I'm getting there. Maybe I can now since I've gotten some of this out.
8 comments:
I'm apparently a little behind. What is this business you have started, what happens in 8 months and why might you stop riding? I do miss you and would love for you and Sam to come visit us here in St. Louis.
you, kris' roommate (my old roommate) has a 3yrold choc. lab and he complains about how she barks all the time at absolutly nothing! so you arent alone in that - something about those labs :)
haha...that is supposed to say, "you know, kris..."
8 months? What happened in Montgomery that it has affected you so much? I'm glad you have pony. We all need some sort of place to go to that allows our minds to be quiet. You have always had such a busy mind. I don't like your being so sad. You have been so happy. Fleas . . . you know how I feel about fleas! And they can come in on your clothes. It probably has a lot to do with the drought this year. We had them at our house way after poor Sasha was gone. Bombs seemed to be the only thing, but what do you do with the kittens in the few hours you need to get away? I wish i could help. You have Sam and that's good. It's nice to know that you have such a good partner in life. I miss you.
I really really hope I'm not reading into this wrong, and that I'm not out of place in saying this, but you know it's okay to ride when you are pregnant, right? I mean, at some point you have to slow down, and then finally take a break for a while when you get to weeble wobble stage and can't balance, but during the first trimester it is okay...given it's not without risk, because you could fall, but I also know your risk of that with Kahlo is low and you have to balance that with the good of you getting stress relief and exercise. Enjoy it while you can!
<3
Kate
Riding while your pregnant should not be an issue at all, especially if you know what you are doing. Now, if I had ridden while I was pregnant, that would have been a problem, but since you seem to actually know how to get onto and stay on a horse, you're leagues ahead of me. As the above commenter said, I'd cut back as your center of gravity shifts.
Your post was a little oblique, but are we finding something out tomorrow?
I love that wedding photo.
K&K and Emily, no, I thought The Society of Angry Mothers would make me wear a scarlet "B" on all of my clothes for being a bad possible mother if I even considered the idea of riding while pregnant. I know people have done it, I just thought I would see people with torches on my lawn at 4am if I did. I am relieved to know it is ok to ride "sensibly." If people do come with torches and the channel 12 news does a comdemning interview, will you all come to my aid?!
Un-Ella Bean, I am a petportrait artist at home now. See The Painted Pony on my sidebar. Sam and I are want to add a little human to our collection of a family. I would love to come visit and meet Baby Bean and decorate cakes with you. I used to work at a cookie shop and I loved decorating them. My favorite is basket weave!
Liz, you write entires like me! Labs are crazy. Hersh can be so sweet and all she really wants is love, but she has a brick for brains! Good to know I am not alone in my bewilderment!
Mama, Montgomery is a strange place, but I feel better after writing about my confusion and angst. I have been sleeping really well, now. It is funny how writing something down really helps you process it. Hey! You should write a book about our family! You might feel better!
If you can teach me how to set up a blog and do the pictures, I may . . . .
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