The Whole Truth and Nothing but The Truth...

"Hey baybeeeee! We love yooooooooou!" I shouted into my cupped hands pressed on her flank. Sam reminded me that it might not be as enthusiastic about people it has never seen yelling about their love as it tries to find a place to put those long legs.

(The foal at 7-8 months)
(How big is the head, Doctor?!)

It's the truth about Reagan. She's 7 months pregnant. And I think little baby Rea-Rea was very startled to hear my voice so loud.

The tired look in her eyes, the occasional nipping, the deep breathing after walking across the road, the food anxiety... it all makes sense now.

(Proud "Grandpa")

She knows me as "the food lady" who gives her supplements in corn oil drizzled over a heaping bucket of all-grain, who pops a treat in her mouth every time she turns around, who leads her to the greenest grass, who has been begging for her to tell her secrets and to listen to mine. She's having a baby. It's my first involved experience with pregnancy and birth (other than the occasional c-section or secluded mama cat at the vet clinic). I held many different species of babies from human to who knows. I've helped to raise some.

But this is my first time and I'm so excited! I don't know if she is. She's done it so many times before (babies/foals). I almost feel as I look into her eyes that now she's saying, "Here's my secret. I'm here to show you it's OK. I'm here to show you that you have to trust in more than yourself to raise a baby... something so much bigger than even myself. I've done it before, so don't worry. I may need your help sometimes, but I'll mostly need your love and friendship. Thank you for showing me I can trust you."

(Me -crying- calling Sam to tell him the news)

I cried when the vet told me. I cried with joy and with sorrow. I cried for joy because of this gift of experience and this opportunity to love. I cried with sorrow for the emptiness of my own nursery. Did you know I have one? A room for a girl and a room for a boy. You may not know by looking that's what they are but it is. They are empty because "I don't know why" and because of fear. And that's why we have Reagan. I believe that. She's here in our lives for so many reasons, but God knows how much of a heart I have for animals. He made me that way. So He "speaks" to me through them.

(our girls together at the water troth.. both loners that are slowly bonding)

This may be Reagan's last baby she has, but it will always be my first.

(will our baby look like this one?)

An Announcement...

I was talking with my dear husband yesterday. He mentioned that he had read my post from late last week. He said that it really "made it sound like I was pregnant." Now, we are not pregnant, though we are very open (not a pun) to the idea of becoming so. Well, me becoming so. Sam is not open to becoming pregnant, nor do I want him to be. I constantly hope that I am somehow pregnant. It is always on my mind, and not necessarily the back burner. So, all of that to say, there are no known pregnancies at this time. Sorry folks. You're not the only ones dissapointed.

It's the Little Things That Get Me....

OK, and the big things too. They get me here and there. And I'm not trying to be a "Debbie Downer" as my husband says. It is the little things like, you know, having your house overrun by fleas (Stephanie?). Fleas are little, but when you're in the midst of fighting them, it feels very big and costs big. How a certain brown dog (not naming any names) barks to the heavens EVERY TIME something in the outside world moves.

And then there's people. People. The things they do.... I think that's what's really been on my mind this week. Things I don't understand. Something happened in our town this past summer. Things that I am not sure should have been revealed were revealed this month. Things were made open to the public. There are many, many people who have been hurt because of this. It shook foundations, made some people laugh, made others "cast their stones" crying, "hypocrite." It confuses me. It keeps me awake. It disturbs me. I don't know how to process it so that I can move on. I don't know that it is even worth dwelling on, but I don't feel that I can move past it until I process it. There's nowhere in my brain for it to go. That's what I am struggling with. I don't know if it is bad, evil, weird, laughable, sinful, accidental, intentional, curious.... I feel so strange thinking about it and I don't know WHY it is bothering me. Why do I want to understand it? Why do I want to know more? WHY? Why am I so disturbed by it? Who can help me make sense of this? No one comes to mind. And I keep having dreams. In them I loose everything and no one understands my pain. I'm not safe anywhere. Sam wakes me up and says I am crying out in my sleep.

I also realized that it is the 10th today. Things are OK and it is the 10th. But now that I know that it is the 10th, I'll be worried about the 11th, 12th, all the way up until the 16th. Yesterday I rode my horse. Like mad. Up hills, down hills, running, fast, almost falling sometimes. It was fun, but a very rough ride. Should I have done that? Am I going to be sad tomorrow? Later? I don't know if I can wait another 8 months...

I also don't know if I can stop riding. It is one of the only things that really cleanses my mind and takes me away from my worries. It's like, for a little bit, while I am on the back of my horse, my fingers woven into her long white mane, things blur past me. I'm in control but I'm not. For a moment, running so fast through the trails, we outrun all of my problems and worries. Nothing is as fast as we are.

But I always have to return to the real world.

When I finished cleaning her (Kahlo-the horse) up after our run through the woods, I put her out in the pasture and gave her a bulging handful of apple treats. I rubbed her face and told her goodnight. As I walked away, she did as well. I was staring up at the stars, walking to my car, and I turned back to look at her again. She too, had walked a ways, but was also looking back over her shoulder at me. "We had them all beat for a moment, didn't we?" I said softly. We both stood that way for another second, then went back to our corners of the world. It was a sweet moment. If you have a horse, perhaps you understand.

I've also been thinking about some of the blogging I have been meaning to do. I'm getting there. Maybe I can now since I've gotten some of this out.

Beware: A Rather Negative Post Ahead...

I'm not very good with talking about it, so I suppose spilling my guts to an audience of few, if any (other than my mom - Hi, Mama!), might be easier.

Sam and I have been holding on to hope, for lack of a better family-friendly word, and it keeps eluding us. I think it bothers me a little more since it mainly concerns my body and how I care for it. I know we haven't been "hoping" for more than 3 or 4 months, but I just felt like it would happen easily. It seems that almost everyone we know had it "happen" by accident, much earlier than expected. Those that didn't have it just "happen," can't. Ever. Their hope is gone. Maybe that's why it bothers me so much. I am afraid that as regular and predictable as I am, I have fallen into this category. To further that anxiety, I feel like this may be some sort of punishment to me. It also reveals a blatant lack of patience that I have and a painful absence of faith.

I have been trying to "eat well" and not participate in activities such as horseback riding. I'm taking vitamins as if they were magic pills. I'm doing my best to keep myself calm. I just don't know what I should and should not be doing at this point.
I know, I know, God is in control. I do believe that, but there is also this very human part of me that thinks I can and wants to influence the outcome. I "try not to think about it." But, really. How can you not? It would be like telling Ralphie in "The Christmas Story" not to think about the possibility of getting a Red Ryder BB gun in the month of December. Just don't stress, Ralphie. Don't worry. Don't be all consumed by thoughts of a BB gun like your Dad and the Leg Lamp. See what'll happen?

I can't put it out of my head right now. Everyone else seems to have just had one. They're coming out of the woodwork... initials embroidered on burp cloths, smocked Feldman Brothers outfits and all. Oh, and mini-Crocs. Don't forget the mini-Crocs. I melt into a puddle of slush when I see them.

I want to whine and cry and cover up with a quilt, eat chocolate and be sad on the couch while watching Oprah and Judge Mathis, but at the same time (especially on a day like today), I feel like I need to buck up and stop being such a baby - truly, no pun intended. It is a little hard not to think about it when your body feels exactly opposite of what you want. It is a throbbing reminder of 4 Advil every 4 hours, or ELSE. And you ladies know what "ELSE" feels like.

I want everyone around me and I want to be alone at the same time. Yes, I am being dramatic, but my hormones are raging like a pregnant woman, except I'm not. I'm "older" than the average mother and Sam and I are not progressing towards youth. I'm so afraid it will never happen. And there is no one who can promise me that it ever will.



All that to say, there's no baby. Again.





Thanks for listening. I'll feel better tomorrow. But don't laugh at me if you see me carrying a sixteen pound cat around in a Baby Bjorn.

Calling All Know-It-Alls!!!!!

So, Sam and I are now desiring to expand our family. I know there are lots and lots of parenting and baby books out there filled with information, but I am just not going to go that route. You see, I don't have time to read ALL of them, follow up on their sources for research, compare their statistics and conduct my own trial and error session with my own children to see if it works. From what I understand, the best parenting advice does not come from the books, but from real parents. All that being said, if you could give the world just ONE piece of advice (JUST ONE) about parenting, what would it be?
If you do not have children, but have heard someone who is a parent speak of some "great" advice, please comment as well!
Yes you can only leave ONE comment. If you leave more than one, your computer will blow up... don't try it!
I am excited to see what you have to say! Ready, set.....GO!

Little Sammy and Little M'elly :

Thirty-Four Feet!

Yes! Thirty four! No, I am not having sextuplets, we have KITTENS!!! Three cute, fuzzy unique and sweet kittens!

Sam found them under the house Saturday and made the mistake of telling me they were there. We have enough stray cats int he neighborhood, so I snatched up these babies so we could socialize them and find them great homes. Sam has been great about the whole thing, though a little worried at first, I believe.

Anyway, they are a challenge, but a very CUTE challenge!!!

Here they are!

Little Miss Junebug (calico bobtail - grey, white, orange)

Prissy Cindee Lou (Mediumhair calico - black, white, orange)

The Man of the group - Mr. Kevin Bobby Jack Spitz, Esquire (Black bobtail)

Mama Ella and the baby kitties...She's found her calling in life!